At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
