I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize