Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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