youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wanna go halves on a baby?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
