Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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