weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
