You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
