watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
