The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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