omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
