So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
