You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
there was a trapeze. enough said
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
