pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
