My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
