yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
