I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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