I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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