Sponge bath it is.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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