i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
