textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
