he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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