you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
