what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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