I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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