I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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