she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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