Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
