when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize