were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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