I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
