the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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