I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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