weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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