When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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