when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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