Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
50% drunk capacity currently
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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