I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize