About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
