watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
