I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
