OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have tasted many bathrooms
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
