Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
