I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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