One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize