Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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