She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is Oprah even human
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
