a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
