He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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