What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my being single is dangerous.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
