It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize