last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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