just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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