you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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