wrigley field is MILF paradise
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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