walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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