I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
