Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
