the condom got lost in my hair
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
