is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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