hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I did not marry a roomba.
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