So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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