I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
